What am I gunna do..

I found out what he wanted to tell me.. I was right it was bad. He told me he was cheating. I thought everything was going so well... I hate my life.. Everytime something good happens something bad comes along and fucks everything to hell. Now I'm heartbroken and I'm back where I started. Broken and alone..

And yea I know your probably thinking "your not alone you have family and friends who love you" but it isn't the same... I want him even after what he did. I love him, but I highly doubt it will ever change.. He'll just do it again and i'll get hurt again..

It hurts.. It hurts so much I can't stand it, I want him back idc if I get hurt at this point I love him! He says he loves me but People don't hurt the ones they love... And what hurts even more is the happier memories of times we spent together. Idc anymore I need him, he's like my oxygen, my drug, my love... and now he's gone and I can't do anything about it..

-- Suicide Doll...

I'm kinda afraid....

ok so last night Matt told me he had to tell me something today... I'm afraid because what if he decided he doesn't wanna be with me..? I don't think that's too good for me :[ cuz I would get really depressed :'[ I really love him.

I don't want to lose him. I'll update when I know something.


--Suicide Doll

Picture a world for me where I can stay...

Ok sooo tomorrow I'll be hanging out with Matt ^_^ yay! I can't wait. Oh yea and what are you guys/girls being for Halloween? I'm being a vampire... I wanted to be L from death note but it didn't happen cause my sister and her best friend didn't want to be Near and Mello. But it's ok cause I'll try and be that next year but this year all three of us are being vampires. We're trick or treating with my little cousins, and I'm probably going to scare the crap outta some kids >:D cause I'm evil like that.

:D yay I get to be undead for a night >:] I'm going to have so much fun. I have a hooded cape and everything, I'll be doing all our make-up. I'm going to do a thick line of eyeliner around our eyes them smudge it just right until it going from shadowy to black. I'll post pics so you know what I'm talking about >:P

I love Halloween, It's my favorite holiday. Not because the candy but because I get to have fun. I get to hang out with my best friends dressed up and I get to run around when it's dark >:] Halloween is great!

In the end it'll be as if I never existed

ok so I just got back from mi mom's house.. I now sorta have a stalker dude. So this is what happened, I was watching my 2 year old cousin so I decided to take her to the park. My 14 year old sister decided to come with me. Well on our way back my were one street over from my house, and this guy who looked to be in his teens stopped his bike and decided to say hi to me.

So being friendly I said hello back, he started talking about how this guy gave him a close pack of cigarettes and handed me one. Not wanting to be rude I took it. I didn't smoke it though cause I don't do that in front of my little cousins, I don't want them picking up on bad habits. but anyway I dropped off my cousin and sister and decided to go back to the park and hang out with him. We hung out all day Saturday and he seemed pretty cool so I gave him my cell number. The next day I got up about 8:00AM well I walked outside about 8:30 and saw him riding down the street on his bike..

I was like "wtf?" and he told me he wanted to spend the day with me. Which at first I thought was kinda cute in a little puppy dog kind of way. So I said ok and told my mom I was going to the park. Well as we were walking and talking he ended up telling me that one time one of his mom's ex boyfriends hit her, so he stabbed him in the arm... oh and he punch his old ass. principal, and that he has multiple personalities and has ADHD.

I was sitting there listening and all I could think of was "holy crap.. run!" well I told him I was gunna go home and take a nap. He begged me to stay a little longer but I was set on going home. I got home about 10:00AM and went to sleep. About 12 he showed up looking for me but I pretended to stay sleep so that my mom would say I was still sleeping. I feel back asleep and about 2pm I woke up. I heard a knock on the door then my door bell rang. Once again I pretended to sleep. So later that day I went to the park with my sister again. My boyfriend called but while I was talking to him Brian called... Thats the name of the kid btw.

I ignored it, but he called back. He called a total of 5 times before I had my sister answer and say I was asleep. On Monday he went to school I didn't deal with him until around 7. I was at the park and he showed up I was with my sister again. I decided to make him think I was crazy or something like that. So I told him I converted to Satanism and that me and my cult were going to kill a live goat and drink it blood at a ceremony. I also told him I was taking anti-psychotics (which isnt true) and that I have multiple personalities and that my mom made me so angry once I tried killing her. (which defiantly isn't true i love my mommy too much to put a fingeron her :])

But instead of thinking I was crazy he said "ok..." and then told me he doesn't care because he likes me... I as like wtf!?! I want him to leave me alone but now I'm home so I don't have to deal with him!! yay!


Don't we look cute together? (me and Matt)

DJ blow my speakers up >:]

Yesterday I saw my boyfriend and omg I missed him.. I'm thinking about not moving. I know everyone must think I'm crazy but hear me out. For a while now everything with my uncle has stopped. I haven't had a weird feeling around him or nothing and all the tension in the house is pretty much gone. I no longer feel threatened. So I'm going to stay here, with my boyfriend, with my happiness.

I can't live without him and I need my boyfriend. He keeps me going, my motivation to live. At this moment in life if I could live forever, I would like to be by his side. Forever just isn't long enough.. I honestly have never felt this strongly for anyone. We were met for each other ^_^ he understands me completely and still loves me for who I am. Ever though I have many flaws. ^_^ <3

Finally it's here...

YAY!! I'm finally 16 :] my b-day party is going to be the 11th though but I did get a present today from my aunt and uncle. I got ICP tripp pants and a ICP shirt :] I happy about that. But my boyfriend still hasn't called and its been 3 days now and its almost 3pm... I mean my ex even called to wish me a happy b-day.. not one but both!! everyone but him has called to say happy birthday.

It's starting to really bother me and make me sad. I can understand being busy but c'mon he could at least call and say he can't talk long or something. Or at least call to say "happy birthday". Sad thing is that IF he calls today it'll probably be like way later.. and I'll still be mad.

It's one thing when a friend says I'll call you back and doesn't. That I don't care about but he's my boyfriend :[ when he says he's going to do it I kinda do expect him to do it... I don't know I've been trying to ignore it and have a good birthday.. but anyways other than that today has been awesome!!

When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?

Ok so I'm kinda mad cause my boyfriend told me he would call me like friday night and its now saturday and no call... I tried calling him yesterday like twice. :'[ its making me mad and kinda upsetting me... but maybe there's a good reason? I don't know :[

Anyways tomorrow I'll be 16, yay... I should be happy but I 'm finding it hard because my boyfriend can't see me tomorrow. He has stuff to do at his mom's house so he can't be here. I really hope he doesn't forget about my b-day.. That would hurt :'[ just the thought stings. I miss him, right now hearing his voice would be good enough for me.. I just wanna hear a comforting voice. but instead I hear nothing, No one to talk to just the waste land of loneliness. I should be happy.

Instead I'm not.. and I don't quite know why....