if its the last thing i do it would to be forget about you...

Ugh, I so sick of it! Yea well here we go again Jacob just doesn't understand! I hav a need to feel independent, comparing me with someone else just pisses me off! >:( He can go fuck himself!! "I wasn't thinking." is always the excuse do you ever think?

You know what I'll just forget everything! Your face, your voice EVERYTHING!! I'm so sick of you! >:[ and yes saying all this kinda hurts but idk anymore! I hope you get into a motorcycle accident and you snap ur neck!!

But on a plus note Samantha is here, Jonathan was earlier. He's comin over tomorrow >:] can't wait. Sooo yea :P My christmas was great but now I gotta get rid of one of my present.... gettin rid of shit is the first key to forgetting right? oh well life goes on right?

--Suicide Doll

Happy holidays!

ok so I noticed tomorrow is x-mas! And to those who celebrate a different holiday, happy holidays! I probably would be one tomorrow seeing as it is christmas. I hope everyone has a wonderful day! I know I will :P and for a change I can honestly say nothing is wrong I'm content with the way things are.

I'm happy I'll be home at my mom's for christmas, and yes I did move back there. Oh and srry I havne't been adding my usual Suicide Doll pics at the end I just haven't had time to make more. :) but anyways I hope you have a wicked day tomorrow >:)

-- Suicide Doll

Last night was weird...

Ok so last night I had a dream about zombies and vampires.. At the begining of the dream I was a zombie but I wasn't myself I was some guy. And I kept thinking that humans had no right to live. People kept running and I found a man trying to get into a van with his wife and child. I didn't have control over this zombie's actions but I could hear his thoughts and see what he was doing. He killed the family and started eating the child.

At that point I woke up, I was freaking out but I went back to sleep and feel into the same dream. Only this time I was at the park by my house and I had other people there. They were humans except for one he was a very hot vampire. He swept me into a hug and bent his head down and bit me. I could physically feel this and it wasn't bad or anything but when he was done. I knew I was a vampire for some reason, and that was zombies dressed at KKK members started running into the park. Then some zombies dress in black KKK outfits were running right after them. I knew I had to protect my friend. But before anything happened I woke up again.

weird dream I know... It was messed up so I had to write about it! lol tell me what ya think. :P

--Suicide Doll

uh oh...

ok I think I really messed up because yesterday I snapped at Jonathan.. I didn't mean to its just im PMS'ing and I got irritated and before I knew it I told him to shut up... I immediatlly said sorry and I said it again today but he won't talk to me all he said was "ok..."

I feel bad :[ I don't know what to do. What if he just doesn't wanna talk to me anymore? I mean what I think i'm gunna do is give him some space.. and see if it helps. I mean I feel so bad I cried yesterday :[ oh and I got a bf his name is Jacob. The same guy that I lost my "V card" to. I can't acctually say he's a new bf though becasue we've gone out before.

But anyways if Jonathan doesn't wanna talk to me anymore it'll be super depressing cause he's my only friend at my mom's house! All my other friends like Rick and Austin live too far to walk. And I can't drive yet... Idk any suggestions??

I'm sitting in this room playing Russian roulette, finger on the trigger to my dear Juliet

Ok so since the last time I wrote I'm no longer single. I'm with this guy named Jacob. I've known him for almost two years now, he was the one I gave my "V" card to.. :] he's been there for me when everyone left. I care a lot about him and I know for a fact he isn't a cheater and that he loves me.

As for Matt we've sorta stopped talking... keeping in contact with him would be painful, plus he'll never change.. but I've been happy lately ^_^ and I hope it doeswn't change because I enjoy being happy. oh yea and I got a new cat.. his name is Jasper one of my friends couldn't handle him cause he's really playful and her other cat doesn't like him.

My only problem is that he won't stop hissing at me, today is his first day at my house so I don't know if he's just frightened or what.. oh and my house has a history of weird stuff happening. So maybe it's because my house is haunted and he knows it and is scared.

So if you have any tips on how to make Jasper feel as home and not frightened it would help a lot! :D

-- Suicide Doll

So theres this guy....

His name is Jonathan (I hope thats how you spell his name) and he picks up and drops off his brother at elementary school. My two cousins and my littliest sister go there. He says that he's a jerk but I disagree. I think he's sweet.

Plus he's pretty cute. :D I love hanging out with him even if we aren't doing anything special. Cause lately I've been feelin pretty crappy (emotionally) and I like the company. But he'll probably get tired of me sooner or later. Everyone usually does.

Oh well... but anyways so a few days after me and Matt split up Matt told me he needed me in his life. Well if you really need someone don't you think you would at least attempt to talk to them? I bet if I was to call him and see what was going on he would say "well you never called!" I don't know I guess keeping contact is so important to me because I'. afraid something bad will happen...

I don't like feeling like this, but theres nothing I can do I'm not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't want me... But I think I'm going to go solo for a while.. :\ but I do still care about Matt...

Destination Depressed

Hey everyone so as you know my boyfriend well ex boyfriend now has cheated... the first few days I cried of course, and the days to follow seemed to get better. Until today for some reason I'm worst than before! I just don't know what to do, today I just wanna sit down and cry, cry and cry some more! I hate feeling like this.. i want him but I know he won't change...

So I need some advice on how to not feel so bad... Cause I don't think I can take much more of this! I'm worst with depression than I was before.. Matt helped and now he's gone :\ Talking with friends doesn't help the only time I'm not in emotional pain is either when I'm drunk, high or with a friend. And since I'm home schooled pretty much all my friends are in school when I need them. And when school gets out they have home work or more important things to do.

I find no comfort in memories of me and Matt anymore only pain. It isn't just emotional pain either sometimes my emotional pain is just so much that it acctually turns into physical pain. I can't take it! Why did he have to do this to me? Why do people cheat? Don't they know that it hurts the ones they claim to love? Why not end something before you start something else? I wouldn't hurt as much....

-- Suicide Doll

What am I gunna do..

I found out what he wanted to tell me.. I was right it was bad. He told me he was cheating. I thought everything was going so well... I hate my life.. Everytime something good happens something bad comes along and fucks everything to hell. Now I'm heartbroken and I'm back where I started. Broken and alone..

And yea I know your probably thinking "your not alone you have family and friends who love you" but it isn't the same... I want him even after what he did. I love him, but I highly doubt it will ever change.. He'll just do it again and i'll get hurt again..

It hurts.. It hurts so much I can't stand it, I want him back idc if I get hurt at this point I love him! He says he loves me but People don't hurt the ones they love... And what hurts even more is the happier memories of times we spent together. Idc anymore I need him, he's like my oxygen, my drug, my love... and now he's gone and I can't do anything about it..

-- Suicide Doll...

I'm kinda afraid....

ok so last night Matt told me he had to tell me something today... I'm afraid because what if he decided he doesn't wanna be with me..? I don't think that's too good for me :[ cuz I would get really depressed :'[ I really love him.

I don't want to lose him. I'll update when I know something.


--Suicide Doll

Picture a world for me where I can stay...

Ok sooo tomorrow I'll be hanging out with Matt ^_^ yay! I can't wait. Oh yea and what are you guys/girls being for Halloween? I'm being a vampire... I wanted to be L from death note but it didn't happen cause my sister and her best friend didn't want to be Near and Mello. But it's ok cause I'll try and be that next year but this year all three of us are being vampires. We're trick or treating with my little cousins, and I'm probably going to scare the crap outta some kids >:D cause I'm evil like that.

:D yay I get to be undead for a night >:] I'm going to have so much fun. I have a hooded cape and everything, I'll be doing all our make-up. I'm going to do a thick line of eyeliner around our eyes them smudge it just right until it going from shadowy to black. I'll post pics so you know what I'm talking about >:P

I love Halloween, It's my favorite holiday. Not because the candy but because I get to have fun. I get to hang out with my best friends dressed up and I get to run around when it's dark >:] Halloween is great!

In the end it'll be as if I never existed

ok so I just got back from mi mom's house.. I now sorta have a stalker dude. So this is what happened, I was watching my 2 year old cousin so I decided to take her to the park. My 14 year old sister decided to come with me. Well on our way back my were one street over from my house, and this guy who looked to be in his teens stopped his bike and decided to say hi to me.

So being friendly I said hello back, he started talking about how this guy gave him a close pack of cigarettes and handed me one. Not wanting to be rude I took it. I didn't smoke it though cause I don't do that in front of my little cousins, I don't want them picking up on bad habits. but anyway I dropped off my cousin and sister and decided to go back to the park and hang out with him. We hung out all day Saturday and he seemed pretty cool so I gave him my cell number. The next day I got up about 8:00AM well I walked outside about 8:30 and saw him riding down the street on his bike..

I was like "wtf?" and he told me he wanted to spend the day with me. Which at first I thought was kinda cute in a little puppy dog kind of way. So I said ok and told my mom I was going to the park. Well as we were walking and talking he ended up telling me that one time one of his mom's ex boyfriends hit her, so he stabbed him in the arm... oh and he punch his old ass. principal, and that he has multiple personalities and has ADHD.

I was sitting there listening and all I could think of was "holy crap.. run!" well I told him I was gunna go home and take a nap. He begged me to stay a little longer but I was set on going home. I got home about 10:00AM and went to sleep. About 12 he showed up looking for me but I pretended to stay sleep so that my mom would say I was still sleeping. I feel back asleep and about 2pm I woke up. I heard a knock on the door then my door bell rang. Once again I pretended to sleep. So later that day I went to the park with my sister again. My boyfriend called but while I was talking to him Brian called... Thats the name of the kid btw.

I ignored it, but he called back. He called a total of 5 times before I had my sister answer and say I was asleep. On Monday he went to school I didn't deal with him until around 7. I was at the park and he showed up I was with my sister again. I decided to make him think I was crazy or something like that. So I told him I converted to Satanism and that me and my cult were going to kill a live goat and drink it blood at a ceremony. I also told him I was taking anti-psychotics (which isnt true) and that I have multiple personalities and that my mom made me so angry once I tried killing her. (which defiantly isn't true i love my mommy too much to put a fingeron her :])

But instead of thinking I was crazy he said "ok..." and then told me he doesn't care because he likes me... I as like wtf!?! I want him to leave me alone but now I'm home so I don't have to deal with him!! yay!


Don't we look cute together? (me and Matt)

DJ blow my speakers up >:]

Yesterday I saw my boyfriend and omg I missed him.. I'm thinking about not moving. I know everyone must think I'm crazy but hear me out. For a while now everything with my uncle has stopped. I haven't had a weird feeling around him or nothing and all the tension in the house is pretty much gone. I no longer feel threatened. So I'm going to stay here, with my boyfriend, with my happiness.

I can't live without him and I need my boyfriend. He keeps me going, my motivation to live. At this moment in life if I could live forever, I would like to be by his side. Forever just isn't long enough.. I honestly have never felt this strongly for anyone. We were met for each other ^_^ he understands me completely and still loves me for who I am. Ever though I have many flaws. ^_^ <3

Finally it's here...

YAY!! I'm finally 16 :] my b-day party is going to be the 11th though but I did get a present today from my aunt and uncle. I got ICP tripp pants and a ICP shirt :] I happy about that. But my boyfriend still hasn't called and its been 3 days now and its almost 3pm... I mean my ex even called to wish me a happy b-day.. not one but both!! everyone but him has called to say happy birthday.

It's starting to really bother me and make me sad. I can understand being busy but c'mon he could at least call and say he can't talk long or something. Or at least call to say "happy birthday". Sad thing is that IF he calls today it'll probably be like way later.. and I'll still be mad.

It's one thing when a friend says I'll call you back and doesn't. That I don't care about but he's my boyfriend :[ when he says he's going to do it I kinda do expect him to do it... I don't know I've been trying to ignore it and have a good birthday.. but anyways other than that today has been awesome!!

When we're apart whatever are you thinking of?

Ok so I'm kinda mad cause my boyfriend told me he would call me like friday night and its now saturday and no call... I tried calling him yesterday like twice. :'[ its making me mad and kinda upsetting me... but maybe there's a good reason? I don't know :[

Anyways tomorrow I'll be 16, yay... I should be happy but I 'm finding it hard because my boyfriend can't see me tomorrow. He has stuff to do at his mom's house so he can't be here. I really hope he doesn't forget about my b-day.. That would hurt :'[ just the thought stings. I miss him, right now hearing his voice would be good enough for me.. I just wanna hear a comforting voice. but instead I hear nothing, No one to talk to just the waste land of loneliness. I should be happy.

Instead I'm not.. and I don't quite know why....

Putting it off...

Okay so I'm putting off doing my school work at the moment.. I hate doing school work.. It's boring and I've lost motivation.. Plus I can't focus or pay attention, I'm finding it very hard lately. Oh and I found out what my boyfriend got me! :] We were at the mall yesterday and he wanted to look at rings and the lady asked if it was for him or me. And he said "nah I already got a ring for her." I was like "OMG! seriously?" and he told me to forget he said that and that he didn't mean to say that. :D

This makes me happy but I don't like people spending money on me, but either its the thought that counts and I'm sure I'll love it! :D I love my boyfriend he's so awesome :} But anyways I really should get to what I'm suppose to be doing, My school work isn't gunna do itself. Although if it did that wouyld make me extremely happy. >_<

Meet me half way..

Okay so lately things have gotten better with the whole uncle thing. Monday morning he asked if I wanted to smoke pot with him. So I was like sureee... so we did and he told he that he started looking at whats happened. And that he didn't like the person he was becoming, and that he also realized that he would be ruining his marriage if not ruining it it would at least damage it greatly..

So Idk but since Monday things seem to be getting better but I'm still going to move and I'm not letting my guard down.. I still lock my door at night, but other than that things are getting better. Oh yea and about 8 more days until I'm 16!! My birthday is on the 4th of October :] My mom isn't going to be able to take me out to dinner until the 5th though. She has to work on my birthday but I'm ok with that ^_^

But where's you heart?

No my uncle isn't drunk when he does this, so he's in his right mind. and by that I mean not under the influence of any drug or alcohol. And okay maybe I'm not fucked up but I sure am weird. :] which its a good thing my boyfriend loves my weirdness too. ^_^
I also told my boyfriend what my uncle was doing, he's pissed. Like the kind of pissed thats all like "I'll rip his nuts off and shove them down his throat". But at the moment he's at his mom's house soo it sucks but when he comes back I'm going to go see him.

He makes me happy even in situations like this when happiness seems impossible. I also told my best friend which he told me that he's right there with Matt. He also told me that if my uncle tries touching me anymore he'll beat the shit out of him.. I feel loved by my friends ^_^ and especially by my boyfriend. I love Matt so much!

If it helps...

Okay so I decided to tell my grandpa because I trust him and he will address this situation without it being spread around the family. I think that if I tell him he can straighten it out, without ruining my aunt's marriage. It was a hard decision to make but everyone is right. And I'm afraid if this goes on any longer I might end up getting raped. I also did some research, I thought sexual abuse is when someone touches you inappropriately or when you don't want them to. Well seeing as I'm a minor, it's considered child abuse for one and asking and pressuring a child for sex (regardless of the outcome) is still considered sexual abuse.

When I looked it up this is what Wikipedia told me:

"Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent abuses a child for sexual stimulation.[1][2] Forms of CSA include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child's genitals, viewing of the child's genitalia without physical contact, or using a child to produce child pornography.

The effects of child sexual abuse include depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, propensity to re-victimization in adulthood, and physical injury to the child, among other problems. Sexual abuse by a family member is a form of incest, and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma, especially in the case of parental incest."

So there you have it, and thats why I'm going to do something instead of ignore it. Because at first I thought it would go away and now that he's show that it isn't going to go away I need to do something before something happens to me and I'm fucked up for life... more than I already am :\ anyways thank you to those of you that gave me advice! I appreciate it.

Fight Fair

Okay so I've been going through a lot of problems so I couldn't really update lets just say can't wait till Matt comes back from his mom's house!! My uncle is really starting to scare me like last night I was up til 3 some thing in the morning talking to my bestfriend and like 5 minutes after I got off the phone and I was trying to go to sleep he walks in.

For one I can understanding checking on me and stuff but no he walked to the edge of my bed and told me that he knew I was awake. He proceeded to say basically he wanted to fuck me and I told him to get the fuck away from me or else I'm going to punch him. He walked out and I locked my door...

I cried until 4:30 or 5 and then I fell asleep. I want my boyfriend to come back cause I know he would protect me, I want to tell my Aunt but I'm afraid it'll ruin their marriage and I'll get blamed! November 3rd they'll be married for 8 years... I don't want to leave an all cause aside from my uncle doing that I like it here a lot better than my mom's and my boyfriend isn't the only reason either..

I just don't know I'm afraid that if I say something my aunt will hate me.. I don't want her to.. And then my whole family would find out and I would be right in the middle taking shit because I didn't say something sooner. I just don't know what to do and it's really stressing me out and lately I've been more depressed than usual because I don't know what to do. He hasn't touched me or raped me but he's tried to

touch me I just told him to stop fucking trying to touch me. I'm starting to get scared. So I'm asking everyone what should I do? I don't wanna rip apart my family but I don't ant this to continue.. Oh and my aunt is a teacher so if anyone found out could you imagine what would happen!! :'[

I wanna be on earth to see how I die before my friends

ok so much hasn't happened today, I've done a lot of school work so that maybe one day this week I'll get to see Matt. But anyways I'm going to watch Shuan of the dead in a little bit ^_^ lol. So yea I won't be writing much today. Which everyone is probably thinking thank god! cause I know I write a lot. :] but I'm off to watch my movie.

I miss him with every passing heart beat...

Ok so Matt ended up coming over yesterday and today which made me really happy but now that he isn't here I miss him :[ I'm really lonely and the loneliness is almost unbearable. :[ If I had a friend or someone my age that could hang out with me or even if Matt lived closer I'd be somewhat content. I think my unhappiness is mostly cause by what I know is sure to follow when he leaves. In the end I know that everything will not be ok I love him and he makes all my sadness go away but someone else is sure to come along and fuck it up! Like I know that tomorrow will be no different then any other Monday. I'll sit here wishing I was with Matt doing school work. I hate school work..

I know it has to be done though I can't wait till I'm done with it all. When I can be with Matt without my family always thinking we're doing something wrong! I mean c'mon I know we're young but thats not the only thing we think about most of the time we just enjoy each others company and we're both fully content just sitting there talking and being together! My family has always treated me like i'm always going to be the one to fuck up and do something wrong! I'm sick of it because I'm not. If I can't change their minds then I'll wait till I'm 18 then walk out that fucking door and never look back! I won't come visit I won't call then they'll be sorry they ever treated me like shit... >_>

ok so I'm starting to think life hates me!

I checked every possible problem that could go wrong including the weather all signs pointed to yes, that I would see my boy friend and now >_> everything is all wet and its raining!! The weather report says it'll be raining all day basically! It wasn't like that yesterday when I looked! I seriously think life doesn't want me to see him. And the only other options are 1. My aunt picks him up and brings him to my house to watch a movie which seems like a good idea but she might decide his parents gotta come get him.. so idk if his parents will say yes. 2. I go to his house which would probably still involve someone coming or picking me up... or 3. which is unlikely but i'll say it any ways my aunt could feel nice and pick him up and take him home...

Either way I highly doubt today is gunna work and it feels like i'm going insane. Well actually I wanna cry cause I really want to see my boyfriend! I'm still going to wait till at least 11 or 12 to call him. hopefully it will stop raining for like 30 minutes by then. Why does life like to kick me in the butt? I honestly like it hates me.. well you know what I hate it back! Even if it doesn't work today I'll just try again tomorrow and I'll keep trying each day until I see him. And if I don't see him today I guess I could watch movies or write some. Or maybe sleep because I'm still tired :[ Idk I'll update later when I know whats going on.

Hello Seattle

Vampire diaries was pretty cool but in the book I don't think she had a little brother she had a little sister. They completely changed everything and just used the name of the book and the names in the book basically cause they changed everything else. But its still pretty cool something I could get into still. Oh and I would block bailey but she kinda doesn't know I hate her just yet. I'm waiting for the right moment to tell her. And yes hate is the correct word lol it just can't be helped in this case.

Oh and I was thinking about sharpening my canine teeth but I don't know if that would be a good idea or not. Plus I don't know how to do it. Ok so I'm just now starting my school work Cause everytime I've sat down to do it someone calls and I get destracted. I hate school stuff :[ its so boring. Oh well it's gotta get done in order to possibly see my boy friend tomorrow. Hopefully I will cause if I have to I'll stay up all night to get this done!

What a shocker!

yea I know eating those magnets was bad but they were already together when I ate them sooo at least they didn't get a chance to connect while inside me. God today was boring, I've had nothing to do and I've been putting of my school work >_> which btw I'm home schooled. Okay so today I found myself wishing vampires were real, cause if they were and I was able to turn into one I would. :] I'd be frozen in time just the way I look now. Cause I don't wanna get all old and wrinkly it scares me. >_> I think getting old scares me more than my irrational fear of face eating zomes, which by the way I think a new zombie movie is coming out. Its called Zombieland or something like that. Looks kinda scary but at the same time it doesn't. If you saw the preview for it tell me what you think scary or no? Cause if it isn't scary I'll watch it. But anyways OMFG! Bailey (my bf's ex) just im'd me! I hate her!! >_< She psycho and believes she can stop death. Yea she told my bestfriend that she would never let her grandfather die.. funny thing is that I was on the line also just on mute. :] she effin crazy!

I can understand loving someone but still at her age she should know it happens eventually. I don't think I've hated a person more in my life! Shes so irritating and she wastes her life away, she doesn't even bother to use her brain! I doubt she even knows what a brain is. I've tried to put our differences aside but I just can't. But yet she tells me that she doesn't hate me or rather she can't hate me.. Earlier this week she was threatening to kill herself and I know this is bad but I got tired of it so I gave up and stopped trying to help her -_- she didn't do it obviously but after telling her to do it I thought I would feel bad. But I didn't now if it were anyone else I'd say thier stupid and not to do it. Which yea I know I'm a hypocrite.

I just hate seeing others like that, except with her. I was literally jumping with joy and I don't know why. I'm a bad person I know its just I can't get over that fact that she needs to grow up. Now if she did a little growing up we might be friends sorta... maybe idk but I don't see any signs of her changing anytime soon. I think I'm going to hell for being a bad person. ok if hell was real I'd be going there. Sorry everyone but Im an atheist :]

When I think of you I don't feel so alone..

Okay so I woke up this morning and I didn't know what to do with myself sooo I watched a movie I haven't seen in forever It's called lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events. I cried when Violet and her brother we're talking because her brother said "But this is different they aren't in Europe this time, and they aren't coming back." and for those who haven't seen the movie it's about three kids who become orphans due to a fire that took their house and parents.

In the end they find out who it is and stuff so it's all good but still that part made me cry. Also in the end when they went back and found the letter that never came. Because their parents had sent a letter when they went to Europe but it got lost in the mail. It was so sad :[ plus today is 9/11 which by the way I made a special picture to put at the end in honor of those who died :[ It isn't much but it's something.

I can still remember that day. I was 7 it scared me but what scared me more was I can remember picturing people jumping from the buildings... I saw the videos and I was afraid not for myself but for those people... By the way in case anyone is wondering I live in Florida. They played the news while I was in school.. at first I was confused because I didn't know what was going on but as soon as I realized what was happening I felt this sting.

I think thats when I really started to realize how messed up this world is.. but anyways so this morning I was talking to my mom and she made a magnet joke >_> ok you may be wondering wtf I mean but when I was 13 I ate 2 magnets that were the the kid's toy magnetics and my mom was on her honeymoon. My neighbor was watching me and my sister and we were playing twister. I stopped playing and ran to the bathroom cause I felt sick. I spent the whole night puking. >_> Everything I drank came right back up. And it was hard for me to sleep cause I was in pain. The worst pain I think i've ever felt..

Yet no one took me to the hospital -_- My mom didn't even know until my aunt told her when she got home from her honeymoon. Oh and my aunt was playing poker with her ex husband's parent's.. I told my mom that it wasn't funny and the only reason I ate those magnets was because I wanted to know what would happen. Well I found out the hard way... so yea.. but anyways I need to find something to do because I'm bored and a little depressed :'[ I miss my boy friend.

We sing beneath Candy coated clouds <3

ok so 10 minutes until Vampire Diaries comes on! oh and My sister called me today I answered and was like "hello." and she yelled "Whats up dead-face!?" and I was like " what's up maggot muncher?" :] lol we're special.. oh yea and while I was walking random people were talking to me it was kinda creepy. And I found out Friday won't work either.... So Saturday maybe.. I all I know is that I miss my boyfriend. Oh I did the Owl City scavenger hunt :] if you complete it your entered in a contest for a signed toy from the music video Fireflies I hope I win cause I loveee Owl City! Although the chances are slim cause Adam Young is only giving away 5 toys... I WANT MY TOY DAMMIT!

I spent about and hour and a half on the hunt for toys on the internet.. cause he set up different pics of the toys in the hunt on different music sites and only gave you hints... That crap was hard. Oh yea when I was on my walk I was looking down for a minute changing the song on my mp3 player and when I looked up there was a car coming in my direction. It scared the crap outta me but not because it was coming at me because I didn't expect it to be there. They swerved outta my way though so its all good. :] ok anyways only 2 minutes to go till my show I'll write later ^_^

Help, I'm alive...

Okay so it looks as if I'm not going to see Matt today!! I'm so angry at the moment. My uncle still isn't home... God I hate my life! I needed to see him today :[ I miss him... I had my hopes up too >_> it seems like every time I get my hopes up it all come crashing down in my face... I'm frustrated.. I think i'm just going to try to see him tomorrow but I'm not happy about this. My uncle should have been home by now >_> maybe he had an accident.

Ok so I was going to leave it at that but... I'm not cause I went on a walk and the guy down the street offered to pay me 5 dollars if I helped him spread out mulch on his drive way... don't ask ok. At first I was like I don't wanna get dirty cause I'm in a plaid skirt and leggings but then I wanted to help so I told him ok. Not for the money or anything but because I was bored and he needed help. Plus he had to walk to the bus stop to go get his kids. I also had a jacket on and I know you probably think I'm crazy for wearing a jacket in this weather but its what I do. ^_^ When winter comes I won't wear a jacket..

But anyways I kinda felt a little better after I helped him out.. but I still feel pretty crappy. I have a feeling tomorrow might be better..which if it is that'll be awesome cause lately things have been messed up.. and I need a break. I wish I had a book to read, I just finished Kiss of life which is the 2nd book to Generation Dead by Daniel Waters. It's a series about zombies, but not evil running face eating zombies. The zombies in the book are teens in America that come back to life and they're slower and stuff but I think its love that makes them function better, like faster and stuff. It's a really cool :]

Oh and if anyone wants to get a hold of me add me to myspace or message me on myspace cause I'm usually on myspace IM soo thats the most effective way of getting a hold of me. Or just e-mail me, but the link to my myspace is on my profile thingy. I have it set as my homepage.

I started this day on a good note ^_^

By the way I didn't notice I spelt suicide wrong I'll fix it later today when I get home and no I'm not mad. Thanks for correcting me :]okay so this morning I woke up an was all like yay!! I get to see my boy friend! I'm going to bring my camera today only bad thing is I don't know where my USB is... and I don't know if you can buy another one. So if anyone knows a place tell me! Cause then I'll upload pictures. I think I'm gunna try to straighten my hair too >_> I feel prettier when it's straight. Oh yea yesterday when I was randomly walking around I ran into my friend Chris who lives on the same street as me, yea he reminds me of Edward Cullen with black hair and without the amber colored eyes. He's cool ^_^ I'm so happy today! I just have to make it to 1PM cause thats when my uncle gets home then I can go see Matt. I'm gunna have to find something to do. Maybe after I straighten my hair I could go on a walk to test it out, an see if my hair will frizz or not. :\ I hope it doesn't lol anyways I'm going to cut it short cause I got stuff to do ^_^

<-- see I told you those fuckers run!! I'm not even kidding anymore I have a phobia of running zombies... Whats sad is that after I watched that movie I woke up every morning afraid to open my door cause I thought there were evil zombies out there! So there's your picture.. >_> Like one time my other bestfriend Ryan walked up behind me after I was forced to watch Dawn of the dead (there was nothing else on an he wanted to watch it) and grabbed my shoulders and made a weird noise, I turned around and punched him in the face -_- I was freaked out and for a second I really thought he was a evil face eating zombie. Yea he hasn't tried doing that to me again ^_^
and theres a video of them running and eating!!



<--- awesome :] yea I know I have issues -_-



Ok so my best friend Rick suggested that maybe I feel all empty and stuff because I have no soul. -_- But anyways, I'm meeting my boyfriend at the mall tomorrow yay! It feels like its been an eternity sense I've seen him :] My hand still hurts. :[ It sucks but I should be ok I can still move it so I don't think it's broken. But today was an ok day it was livable. I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight, I'm too excited plus I can't wait for the looks I'm gunna get tomorrow! Oh yea I get weird looks from people :] its funny sometimes. Plus whats even greater is I'll be with Matt, he makes me feel normal. Not lifeless like I've been feeling, he makes me feel alive.. sounds corny I know but I'm serious. Oh yea this is completely random but the other night I had a weird dream, I had committed suiside by carbon monoxide poisoning. And I was watching my own funeral O_o only weird thing is that everyone was ignoring me when I tried asking what was happened. Then some guy walked up and he was a vampire and said "they can't hear or see you.." I was confused and asked him how he could see me and he told me that he could bring me back as a vampire so I said ok. Then I woke up... It was weird. It was cool cause I got to see my funeral an all but creepy too. Oh by the way I get Deja vu a lot I don't know why but I'll have a dream about something and sometimes it happens and that's why it's kind of creepy cause what if it happens..? I doubt it but still. I know the whole vampire part won't happen but the other part is possible. Oh well, I'm bored and I don't want to sleep. When I wake up I'll just think the same thing "still alive?... dammit!" yea I know that's bad but I can't help it. It's just the 1st thing I think.
Oh yea If anyone wants to make a Banner for me go right ahead you can sent it to my e-mail snowdemon20@hotmail.com and I'll post it in the next blog I do :] giving you credit and a big Thanks! <3

Ouch...

Ok so I just punched a concrete wall... I live in a dome and my boyfriend's ex is annoying me and I hate her so I punched the closest thing to me..which is a concrete wall. I'm fine though it just hurt a little... I could punch harder but I don't wanna explain to my aunt why I broke my hand lol. That wouldn't be pretty >_> but no Bailey is starting to really irritate me! We're IM'ing by the way and ouch I just punch the wall harder... I hate her I really do. I mean I try not to hate people but in this case it just can't be helped.. She doesn't think and not only that she just told me she basically cheated on my bestfriend!! God I hate drama.. ok my pinky hurts... I don't think its broken but it hurts >_> oh well.. Today was a horrible
day, ok I walked into the kitchen just now and my uncle gave me a death glare.. I mean if looks could kill I'd be dead.... It was really weird I don't know what I did though I mean it isn't like I punched a hole in a wall! I punched concrete!! If anything I only hurt myself... Jesus why do people act like my presence is a horrible disease? I'm tired of getting looks like that whenever I walk into a room like people don't want me there... This is why life holds almost no joy for me because people wanna treat me like that.. It doesn't matter what I do, I'm still a piece of dirt and their better.. But it's ok cause as soon as I get all my school work done I'll be free to go to the mall tomorrow with Matt. Which makes me happy because I miss him. He's my motivation to keep breathing, with out him I'd be alone and when your alone for so long you start to realize you can't take it anymore.. or maybe thats just me. Either way I get to see him which is good but I'm gunna have to start working soon cause I'll have to stay up all night if I don't get crackin.. lol well I'll update either later tonight or tomorrow when I get home..

Getting away from life .....

I know I wrote earlier..I'm just updating you.. Okay so I am currently flying high :] yea I do that okay? It helps me get away from life :\ lol. okay so anyways I got this awesome song playing right now >_> its called "stronger" by Dead by April. Oh yea you wanna know something funny, yesterday I was talking to one of my best friends and I randomly said "OMG! colors have sounds!" :D it was funny. I can't wait til Thursday cause I get to see my boyfriend! I won't be alone another great thing is he was gunna leave but now he isn't! I'm so happy I could cry right now.. I miss him so much I'm his punk rock princess :D I feel like an actual normal teen when I'm
with him..almost like I belong :D I was afraid when he told he was gunna have to leave.. I knew I was always going to be alone if he left.. although it wasn't gunna be permanent he was only gunna be gone for 6 months. But still I was going to be alone.. but I'm happy he doesn't have to go. :] Matt is amazing he opens doors for me, calls me beautiful everyday, and he'll go get me a caramel frappachino without whip cream from starbucks. :] he's amazing. Okay are a few other people that are amazing too, L, Light, Near, and Mello from the Death Note movies are really amazing; and hot :] I like L the best I'm going to be him from Halloween. My sister Allison will be Near and our best friend Samantha is going to be mello :] It's going to be awesome. Anyways I'll take pictures and post them when Halloween comes around.
Anywho I gotta go find something to do because I'm getting bored and stuff... it really sucks. But I'll update soon.

Positively crushing

Okay so lately things have been hectic and I figured I might wanna try bloging..
okay so I have no clue what's wrong with me. I can't eat or even bare to look at food, I don't really feel like I have emotions I feel... empty. The only time I don't is when I'm around my boyfriend Matt. I know I must sound crazy but honestly I'm telling you the truth, I don't feel anything and it sorta bothers me but I can't bring myself to care. I don't know.. I'm sure people around me notice that I kinda drift through the day kinda on auto-pilot. And when feeling does come back its nothing but sadness because I feel alone. But the good thing is sometimes I get happy every now and then. Like today wasn't so bad, but then again I've tried avoiding everything that bothers me. And by the way, yes I have plotted to kill myself but, good news I haven't so no worries I love my boyfriend too much to leave him.. And I probably never will. Sometimes I sit in my room and wonder about general what if's. Like what if I died? How would it effect the people around me? I wish I could find out only without the dying part. Or what if I was shot, stabbed, hit by a car and trampled by horses? And if I some how live through all of that (which I highly doubt) I bet it would be really painful. You know about a month or so ago, I was at the beach with my boyfriend, my aunt, uncle and a bunch of their friends, well one of their friend's kids went up to me and asked "Are you dead or something cause your really pale!" and all I could say was "What the hell!?" and she asked "Well are you like a vampire then?" and I was like "Yes! I'm a vampire which means I'm dead!" she got scared and walked away.. -_- god sometimes kids annoy me! I mean I know i'm pale but c'mon! By the way she still asks if I'm dead everytime I see her and each time I reply "Yes, an its not likely to change the next time you see me!" By the way if anyone wants to add me on myspace my email is snowdemon20@hotmail.com or just go to myspace.com/snowdemon20

Okay so I guess this is it for the first post :]
oh and if you like my writing and stuff tell your friends about me! <3