I hate everything about myself...

I no longer have a boyfriend. I fucked up... I can't keep my temper in check and I yelled at him, again. I can't help it.. its hard when you get irritated all the time. I love him to no end but he can't handle this and I dont blame him.

This time I got irritated because of a youtube video I posted I didn't want him to see it... so I tried stopping him. But that made matters worst he walked out. And when he came back he decided to grab his shit and go. We got into another argument and he said it was over...

I hate my life I hate everything about myself and honestly I don't see what people see in me. I push everyone away until its too late and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm on the verge of a emotional break down and a cutting relapse.. I want to do it so badly! you don't have any clue at all. I lost most all my friends and have basically no one to talk to. The one person I do want to talk to would probably say I deserve it if he even pick up the phone at all....

I know its my fault but at the time I wasn't thinking like usual. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone forever, to live alone, to die alone, to just be... alone. Maybe I just don't need anyone around me right now, I hurt way to many people I can't forgive myself for it. Out of all the friends I have left I'm the only one without someone...

I can't take it no more this "life" thing is too hard I wanna end it all I just haven't figured out the best way yet.. Everything is always my fault I just get in the way of everyone else's life.. all of this is jsut to much. And this time, I honestly can say I have no one trying to stop me. No one knows except the four people who read my blog. and I'm sorry but you can't say you care because in the end theres no one.

No one to be there for you, no one to hold you when your upset, no one to keep you happy even if depression is nipping at your toes. In the end your alone with your own demons to keep you company which isn't much company at all. I want to change I just don't know how and if I can't change then I might as well end it all because only sorrow and dispare await me here. I can't run no more there is no where to hide, no where to go, no where to turn.

I honestly believe you will either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villan. Well I'm at the point where I no longer see myself as a hero.. I don't know whats wrong with me, I must be defective or something. I fear being alone but I can't bare being with someone because I know first hand how it will end. Horrible and fucked up, I'll be alone in the dark either way I look at it.

Hopefully I make it out of this but if not.. just know I'm sorry for everyone I let down, I didn't mean to..... I hope this isn't the last time I write....

--Suicide Doll

depressed...again....

I've been avoiding the fact that job corp could call at anytime... I too comfortable with the fact that I really care about Jonathan.. well it looks like they called.. now all he's doing is waiting for a room to open for him. After that its off to the marines.. what if I never see him again? or what if he forgets about me? ... idk why I'm crying right now but I am.

I going to miss him so much and when he leaves I'll be left with nothing but memories that will huant me until I can't take it no more. I don't want him to go but I'm a nobody. He doesn't need me and its his future... He needs this oportunity, I just wish I could see him more....

I knew this day would come and I didn't want to get too close cuz I knew in the end it would hurt, but I couldn't help myself. He has a wonderful personalilty and he looks out for me...

I'm just going to REALLY REALLY miss him, and as I type I'm talking on the phone with him. I'm trying so hard not to cry and when I'm around him its even harder. I just don't know what I'm going to do when he leaves... I'm going to be depressed, but thats a given I guess.

Other than that I guess I'll probably sit in my room cry, and not eat.. Idk... I just don't wanna bother him with all this cuz he'll just say there are more guys out there... yea that may be true but there aren't any guys out there just like him... he's a one of a kind.

Why does it seem like everytime I find a guy I really wanna be with they either cheat or in this case have to leave... no matter what way I turn it always seems like the wrong direction. I thought I knew happy in the past but I was wrong because unlike the other times when I thought I was close to happiness this time I didn't need to search for it... it was there, and I was finally where I wanted to be.

Next to him, even with all his corny jokes and even if we weren't doing anything special its where I wanted to be... I just don't see me with anyone for a very very very long time after he leaves.. I'm fed up with getting hurt whether its intetional or not, I'm tired of it all....



"I often miss this little girl... whose dreams had no barriers... who belived in a world where anything is possible with a heart that was full and unbroken..."


--Suicide Doll

Le suicide l'est l'espoir de ceux qui n'en n'ont plus

The Owl City concert was awesome! and last night I went out with my oyfriend and my family to the night parade in ybor! >_< it was awesome me and Jonathan are doing well and I'm happy. He's amazing, still no call from job corp. with dun say anything but I'm happy about it... I got an Owl City t-shirt btw its pretty sick!

Allison had a good time also, she got a new phone oh and mine is coming in on monday or tuesday. I can't wait ^_^ it'll be one of those phones that slides up to reveal the keys oh and its a camra phone which has bluetooth capablility its amazing >_< anyways I gotta get up at 6:30 in the morning so ima smoke mi last cig for the night and head off to sleepy land.

Where I get to wear remote controlled skates while chasing ostriges the run and lay ostrige eggs and chicken eggs at the same time. O_O oh and guys dicks are like "omfg whats that!?!" scarey big... yea that was all in mi dream last night and it was WEIRD! O_o oh and I guess lying gets you more points on ur SAT's >_> jking but in mi world I guess it happens...

"Suicide is the hope of those who no longer have it.." -unknown


--Suicide Doll