Putting it off...

Okay so I'm putting off doing my school work at the moment.. I hate doing school work.. It's boring and I've lost motivation.. Plus I can't focus or pay attention, I'm finding it very hard lately. Oh and I found out what my boyfriend got me! :] We were at the mall yesterday and he wanted to look at rings and the lady asked if it was for him or me. And he said "nah I already got a ring for her." I was like "OMG! seriously?" and he told me to forget he said that and that he didn't mean to say that. :D

This makes me happy but I don't like people spending money on me, but either its the thought that counts and I'm sure I'll love it! :D I love my boyfriend he's so awesome :} But anyways I really should get to what I'm suppose to be doing, My school work isn't gunna do itself. Although if it did that wouyld make me extremely happy. >_<

Meet me half way..

Okay so lately things have gotten better with the whole uncle thing. Monday morning he asked if I wanted to smoke pot with him. So I was like sureee... so we did and he told he that he started looking at whats happened. And that he didn't like the person he was becoming, and that he also realized that he would be ruining his marriage if not ruining it it would at least damage it greatly..

So Idk but since Monday things seem to be getting better but I'm still going to move and I'm not letting my guard down.. I still lock my door at night, but other than that things are getting better. Oh yea and about 8 more days until I'm 16!! My birthday is on the 4th of October :] My mom isn't going to be able to take me out to dinner until the 5th though. She has to work on my birthday but I'm ok with that ^_^

But where's you heart?

No my uncle isn't drunk when he does this, so he's in his right mind. and by that I mean not under the influence of any drug or alcohol. And okay maybe I'm not fucked up but I sure am weird. :] which its a good thing my boyfriend loves my weirdness too. ^_^
I also told my boyfriend what my uncle was doing, he's pissed. Like the kind of pissed thats all like "I'll rip his nuts off and shove them down his throat". But at the moment he's at his mom's house soo it sucks but when he comes back I'm going to go see him.

He makes me happy even in situations like this when happiness seems impossible. I also told my best friend which he told me that he's right there with Matt. He also told me that if my uncle tries touching me anymore he'll beat the shit out of him.. I feel loved by my friends ^_^ and especially by my boyfriend. I love Matt so much!

If it helps...

Okay so I decided to tell my grandpa because I trust him and he will address this situation without it being spread around the family. I think that if I tell him he can straighten it out, without ruining my aunt's marriage. It was a hard decision to make but everyone is right. And I'm afraid if this goes on any longer I might end up getting raped. I also did some research, I thought sexual abuse is when someone touches you inappropriately or when you don't want them to. Well seeing as I'm a minor, it's considered child abuse for one and asking and pressuring a child for sex (regardless of the outcome) is still considered sexual abuse.

When I looked it up this is what Wikipedia told me:

"Child sexual abuse is a form of child abuse in which an adult or older adolescent abuses a child for sexual stimulation.[1][2] Forms of CSA include asking or pressuring a child to engage in sexual activities (regardless of the outcome), indecent exposure of the genitals to a child, displaying pornography to a child, actual sexual contact against a child, physical contact with the child's genitals, viewing of the child's genitalia without physical contact, or using a child to produce child pornography.

The effects of child sexual abuse include depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, propensity to re-victimization in adulthood, and physical injury to the child, among other problems. Sexual abuse by a family member is a form of incest, and can result in more serious and long-term psychological trauma, especially in the case of parental incest."

So there you have it, and thats why I'm going to do something instead of ignore it. Because at first I thought it would go away and now that he's show that it isn't going to go away I need to do something before something happens to me and I'm fucked up for life... more than I already am :\ anyways thank you to those of you that gave me advice! I appreciate it.

Fight Fair

Okay so I've been going through a lot of problems so I couldn't really update lets just say can't wait till Matt comes back from his mom's house!! My uncle is really starting to scare me like last night I was up til 3 some thing in the morning talking to my bestfriend and like 5 minutes after I got off the phone and I was trying to go to sleep he walks in.

For one I can understanding checking on me and stuff but no he walked to the edge of my bed and told me that he knew I was awake. He proceeded to say basically he wanted to fuck me and I told him to get the fuck away from me or else I'm going to punch him. He walked out and I locked my door...

I cried until 4:30 or 5 and then I fell asleep. I want my boyfriend to come back cause I know he would protect me, I want to tell my Aunt but I'm afraid it'll ruin their marriage and I'll get blamed! November 3rd they'll be married for 8 years... I don't want to leave an all cause aside from my uncle doing that I like it here a lot better than my mom's and my boyfriend isn't the only reason either..

I just don't know I'm afraid that if I say something my aunt will hate me.. I don't want her to.. And then my whole family would find out and I would be right in the middle taking shit because I didn't say something sooner. I just don't know what to do and it's really stressing me out and lately I've been more depressed than usual because I don't know what to do. He hasn't touched me or raped me but he's tried to

touch me I just told him to stop fucking trying to touch me. I'm starting to get scared. So I'm asking everyone what should I do? I don't wanna rip apart my family but I don't ant this to continue.. Oh and my aunt is a teacher so if anyone found out could you imagine what would happen!! :'[

I wanna be on earth to see how I die before my friends

ok so much hasn't happened today, I've done a lot of school work so that maybe one day this week I'll get to see Matt. But anyways I'm going to watch Shuan of the dead in a little bit ^_^ lol. So yea I won't be writing much today. Which everyone is probably thinking thank god! cause I know I write a lot. :] but I'm off to watch my movie.

I miss him with every passing heart beat...

Ok so Matt ended up coming over yesterday and today which made me really happy but now that he isn't here I miss him :[ I'm really lonely and the loneliness is almost unbearable. :[ If I had a friend or someone my age that could hang out with me or even if Matt lived closer I'd be somewhat content. I think my unhappiness is mostly cause by what I know is sure to follow when he leaves. In the end I know that everything will not be ok I love him and he makes all my sadness go away but someone else is sure to come along and fuck it up! Like I know that tomorrow will be no different then any other Monday. I'll sit here wishing I was with Matt doing school work. I hate school work..

I know it has to be done though I can't wait till I'm done with it all. When I can be with Matt without my family always thinking we're doing something wrong! I mean c'mon I know we're young but thats not the only thing we think about most of the time we just enjoy each others company and we're both fully content just sitting there talking and being together! My family has always treated me like i'm always going to be the one to fuck up and do something wrong! I'm sick of it because I'm not. If I can't change their minds then I'll wait till I'm 18 then walk out that fucking door and never look back! I won't come visit I won't call then they'll be sorry they ever treated me like shit... >_>

ok so I'm starting to think life hates me!

I checked every possible problem that could go wrong including the weather all signs pointed to yes, that I would see my boy friend and now >_> everything is all wet and its raining!! The weather report says it'll be raining all day basically! It wasn't like that yesterday when I looked! I seriously think life doesn't want me to see him. And the only other options are 1. My aunt picks him up and brings him to my house to watch a movie which seems like a good idea but she might decide his parents gotta come get him.. so idk if his parents will say yes. 2. I go to his house which would probably still involve someone coming or picking me up... or 3. which is unlikely but i'll say it any ways my aunt could feel nice and pick him up and take him home...

Either way I highly doubt today is gunna work and it feels like i'm going insane. Well actually I wanna cry cause I really want to see my boyfriend! I'm still going to wait till at least 11 or 12 to call him. hopefully it will stop raining for like 30 minutes by then. Why does life like to kick me in the butt? I honestly like it hates me.. well you know what I hate it back! Even if it doesn't work today I'll just try again tomorrow and I'll keep trying each day until I see him. And if I don't see him today I guess I could watch movies or write some. Or maybe sleep because I'm still tired :[ Idk I'll update later when I know whats going on.

Hello Seattle

Vampire diaries was pretty cool but in the book I don't think she had a little brother she had a little sister. They completely changed everything and just used the name of the book and the names in the book basically cause they changed everything else. But its still pretty cool something I could get into still. Oh and I would block bailey but she kinda doesn't know I hate her just yet. I'm waiting for the right moment to tell her. And yes hate is the correct word lol it just can't be helped in this case.

Oh and I was thinking about sharpening my canine teeth but I don't know if that would be a good idea or not. Plus I don't know how to do it. Ok so I'm just now starting my school work Cause everytime I've sat down to do it someone calls and I get destracted. I hate school stuff :[ its so boring. Oh well it's gotta get done in order to possibly see my boy friend tomorrow. Hopefully I will cause if I have to I'll stay up all night to get this done!

What a shocker!

yea I know eating those magnets was bad but they were already together when I ate them sooo at least they didn't get a chance to connect while inside me. God today was boring, I've had nothing to do and I've been putting of my school work >_> which btw I'm home schooled. Okay so today I found myself wishing vampires were real, cause if they were and I was able to turn into one I would. :] I'd be frozen in time just the way I look now. Cause I don't wanna get all old and wrinkly it scares me. >_> I think getting old scares me more than my irrational fear of face eating zomes, which by the way I think a new zombie movie is coming out. Its called Zombieland or something like that. Looks kinda scary but at the same time it doesn't. If you saw the preview for it tell me what you think scary or no? Cause if it isn't scary I'll watch it. But anyways OMFG! Bailey (my bf's ex) just im'd me! I hate her!! >_< She psycho and believes she can stop death. Yea she told my bestfriend that she would never let her grandfather die.. funny thing is that I was on the line also just on mute. :] she effin crazy!

I can understand loving someone but still at her age she should know it happens eventually. I don't think I've hated a person more in my life! Shes so irritating and she wastes her life away, she doesn't even bother to use her brain! I doubt she even knows what a brain is. I've tried to put our differences aside but I just can't. But yet she tells me that she doesn't hate me or rather she can't hate me.. Earlier this week she was threatening to kill herself and I know this is bad but I got tired of it so I gave up and stopped trying to help her -_- she didn't do it obviously but after telling her to do it I thought I would feel bad. But I didn't now if it were anyone else I'd say thier stupid and not to do it. Which yea I know I'm a hypocrite.

I just hate seeing others like that, except with her. I was literally jumping with joy and I don't know why. I'm a bad person I know its just I can't get over that fact that she needs to grow up. Now if she did a little growing up we might be friends sorta... maybe idk but I don't see any signs of her changing anytime soon. I think I'm going to hell for being a bad person. ok if hell was real I'd be going there. Sorry everyone but Im an atheist :]

When I think of you I don't feel so alone..

Okay so I woke up this morning and I didn't know what to do with myself sooo I watched a movie I haven't seen in forever It's called lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events. I cried when Violet and her brother we're talking because her brother said "But this is different they aren't in Europe this time, and they aren't coming back." and for those who haven't seen the movie it's about three kids who become orphans due to a fire that took their house and parents.

In the end they find out who it is and stuff so it's all good but still that part made me cry. Also in the end when they went back and found the letter that never came. Because their parents had sent a letter when they went to Europe but it got lost in the mail. It was so sad :[ plus today is 9/11 which by the way I made a special picture to put at the end in honor of those who died :[ It isn't much but it's something.

I can still remember that day. I was 7 it scared me but what scared me more was I can remember picturing people jumping from the buildings... I saw the videos and I was afraid not for myself but for those people... By the way in case anyone is wondering I live in Florida. They played the news while I was in school.. at first I was confused because I didn't know what was going on but as soon as I realized what was happening I felt this sting.

I think thats when I really started to realize how messed up this world is.. but anyways so this morning I was talking to my mom and she made a magnet joke >_> ok you may be wondering wtf I mean but when I was 13 I ate 2 magnets that were the the kid's toy magnetics and my mom was on her honeymoon. My neighbor was watching me and my sister and we were playing twister. I stopped playing and ran to the bathroom cause I felt sick. I spent the whole night puking. >_> Everything I drank came right back up. And it was hard for me to sleep cause I was in pain. The worst pain I think i've ever felt..

Yet no one took me to the hospital -_- My mom didn't even know until my aunt told her when she got home from her honeymoon. Oh and my aunt was playing poker with her ex husband's parent's.. I told my mom that it wasn't funny and the only reason I ate those magnets was because I wanted to know what would happen. Well I found out the hard way... so yea.. but anyways I need to find something to do because I'm bored and a little depressed :'[ I miss my boy friend.

We sing beneath Candy coated clouds <3

ok so 10 minutes until Vampire Diaries comes on! oh and My sister called me today I answered and was like "hello." and she yelled "Whats up dead-face!?" and I was like " what's up maggot muncher?" :] lol we're special.. oh yea and while I was walking random people were talking to me it was kinda creepy. And I found out Friday won't work either.... So Saturday maybe.. I all I know is that I miss my boyfriend. Oh I did the Owl City scavenger hunt :] if you complete it your entered in a contest for a signed toy from the music video Fireflies I hope I win cause I loveee Owl City! Although the chances are slim cause Adam Young is only giving away 5 toys... I WANT MY TOY DAMMIT!

I spent about and hour and a half on the hunt for toys on the internet.. cause he set up different pics of the toys in the hunt on different music sites and only gave you hints... That crap was hard. Oh yea when I was on my walk I was looking down for a minute changing the song on my mp3 player and when I looked up there was a car coming in my direction. It scared the crap outta me but not because it was coming at me because I didn't expect it to be there. They swerved outta my way though so its all good. :] ok anyways only 2 minutes to go till my show I'll write later ^_^

Help, I'm alive...

Okay so it looks as if I'm not going to see Matt today!! I'm so angry at the moment. My uncle still isn't home... God I hate my life! I needed to see him today :[ I miss him... I had my hopes up too >_> it seems like every time I get my hopes up it all come crashing down in my face... I'm frustrated.. I think i'm just going to try to see him tomorrow but I'm not happy about this. My uncle should have been home by now >_> maybe he had an accident.

Ok so I was going to leave it at that but... I'm not cause I went on a walk and the guy down the street offered to pay me 5 dollars if I helped him spread out mulch on his drive way... don't ask ok. At first I was like I don't wanna get dirty cause I'm in a plaid skirt and leggings but then I wanted to help so I told him ok. Not for the money or anything but because I was bored and he needed help. Plus he had to walk to the bus stop to go get his kids. I also had a jacket on and I know you probably think I'm crazy for wearing a jacket in this weather but its what I do. ^_^ When winter comes I won't wear a jacket..

But anyways I kinda felt a little better after I helped him out.. but I still feel pretty crappy. I have a feeling tomorrow might be better..which if it is that'll be awesome cause lately things have been messed up.. and I need a break. I wish I had a book to read, I just finished Kiss of life which is the 2nd book to Generation Dead by Daniel Waters. It's a series about zombies, but not evil running face eating zombies. The zombies in the book are teens in America that come back to life and they're slower and stuff but I think its love that makes them function better, like faster and stuff. It's a really cool :]

Oh and if anyone wants to get a hold of me add me to myspace or message me on myspace cause I'm usually on myspace IM soo thats the most effective way of getting a hold of me. Or just e-mail me, but the link to my myspace is on my profile thingy. I have it set as my homepage.

I started this day on a good note ^_^

By the way I didn't notice I spelt suicide wrong I'll fix it later today when I get home and no I'm not mad. Thanks for correcting me :]okay so this morning I woke up an was all like yay!! I get to see my boy friend! I'm going to bring my camera today only bad thing is I don't know where my USB is... and I don't know if you can buy another one. So if anyone knows a place tell me! Cause then I'll upload pictures. I think I'm gunna try to straighten my hair too >_> I feel prettier when it's straight. Oh yea yesterday when I was randomly walking around I ran into my friend Chris who lives on the same street as me, yea he reminds me of Edward Cullen with black hair and without the amber colored eyes. He's cool ^_^ I'm so happy today! I just have to make it to 1PM cause thats when my uncle gets home then I can go see Matt. I'm gunna have to find something to do. Maybe after I straighten my hair I could go on a walk to test it out, an see if my hair will frizz or not. :\ I hope it doesn't lol anyways I'm going to cut it short cause I got stuff to do ^_^

<-- see I told you those fuckers run!! I'm not even kidding anymore I have a phobia of running zombies... Whats sad is that after I watched that movie I woke up every morning afraid to open my door cause I thought there were evil zombies out there! So there's your picture.. >_> Like one time my other bestfriend Ryan walked up behind me after I was forced to watch Dawn of the dead (there was nothing else on an he wanted to watch it) and grabbed my shoulders and made a weird noise, I turned around and punched him in the face -_- I was freaked out and for a second I really thought he was a evil face eating zombie. Yea he hasn't tried doing that to me again ^_^
and theres a video of them running and eating!!



<--- awesome :] yea I know I have issues -_-



Ok so my best friend Rick suggested that maybe I feel all empty and stuff because I have no soul. -_- But anyways, I'm meeting my boyfriend at the mall tomorrow yay! It feels like its been an eternity sense I've seen him :] My hand still hurts. :[ It sucks but I should be ok I can still move it so I don't think it's broken. But today was an ok day it was livable. I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight, I'm too excited plus I can't wait for the looks I'm gunna get tomorrow! Oh yea I get weird looks from people :] its funny sometimes. Plus whats even greater is I'll be with Matt, he makes me feel normal. Not lifeless like I've been feeling, he makes me feel alive.. sounds corny I know but I'm serious. Oh yea this is completely random but the other night I had a weird dream, I had committed suiside by carbon monoxide poisoning. And I was watching my own funeral O_o only weird thing is that everyone was ignoring me when I tried asking what was happened. Then some guy walked up and he was a vampire and said "they can't hear or see you.." I was confused and asked him how he could see me and he told me that he could bring me back as a vampire so I said ok. Then I woke up... It was weird. It was cool cause I got to see my funeral an all but creepy too. Oh by the way I get Deja vu a lot I don't know why but I'll have a dream about something and sometimes it happens and that's why it's kind of creepy cause what if it happens..? I doubt it but still. I know the whole vampire part won't happen but the other part is possible. Oh well, I'm bored and I don't want to sleep. When I wake up I'll just think the same thing "still alive?... dammit!" yea I know that's bad but I can't help it. It's just the 1st thing I think.
Oh yea If anyone wants to make a Banner for me go right ahead you can sent it to my e-mail snowdemon20@hotmail.com and I'll post it in the next blog I do :] giving you credit and a big Thanks! <3

Ouch...

Ok so I just punched a concrete wall... I live in a dome and my boyfriend's ex is annoying me and I hate her so I punched the closest thing to me..which is a concrete wall. I'm fine though it just hurt a little... I could punch harder but I don't wanna explain to my aunt why I broke my hand lol. That wouldn't be pretty >_> but no Bailey is starting to really irritate me! We're IM'ing by the way and ouch I just punch the wall harder... I hate her I really do. I mean I try not to hate people but in this case it just can't be helped.. She doesn't think and not only that she just told me she basically cheated on my bestfriend!! God I hate drama.. ok my pinky hurts... I don't think its broken but it hurts >_> oh well.. Today was a horrible
day, ok I walked into the kitchen just now and my uncle gave me a death glare.. I mean if looks could kill I'd be dead.... It was really weird I don't know what I did though I mean it isn't like I punched a hole in a wall! I punched concrete!! If anything I only hurt myself... Jesus why do people act like my presence is a horrible disease? I'm tired of getting looks like that whenever I walk into a room like people don't want me there... This is why life holds almost no joy for me because people wanna treat me like that.. It doesn't matter what I do, I'm still a piece of dirt and their better.. But it's ok cause as soon as I get all my school work done I'll be free to go to the mall tomorrow with Matt. Which makes me happy because I miss him. He's my motivation to keep breathing, with out him I'd be alone and when your alone for so long you start to realize you can't take it anymore.. or maybe thats just me. Either way I get to see him which is good but I'm gunna have to start working soon cause I'll have to stay up all night if I don't get crackin.. lol well I'll update either later tonight or tomorrow when I get home..

Getting away from life .....

I know I wrote earlier..I'm just updating you.. Okay so I am currently flying high :] yea I do that okay? It helps me get away from life :\ lol. okay so anyways I got this awesome song playing right now >_> its called "stronger" by Dead by April. Oh yea you wanna know something funny, yesterday I was talking to one of my best friends and I randomly said "OMG! colors have sounds!" :D it was funny. I can't wait til Thursday cause I get to see my boyfriend! I won't be alone another great thing is he was gunna leave but now he isn't! I'm so happy I could cry right now.. I miss him so much I'm his punk rock princess :D I feel like an actual normal teen when I'm
with him..almost like I belong :D I was afraid when he told he was gunna have to leave.. I knew I was always going to be alone if he left.. although it wasn't gunna be permanent he was only gunna be gone for 6 months. But still I was going to be alone.. but I'm happy he doesn't have to go. :] Matt is amazing he opens doors for me, calls me beautiful everyday, and he'll go get me a caramel frappachino without whip cream from starbucks. :] he's amazing. Okay are a few other people that are amazing too, L, Light, Near, and Mello from the Death Note movies are really amazing; and hot :] I like L the best I'm going to be him from Halloween. My sister Allison will be Near and our best friend Samantha is going to be mello :] It's going to be awesome. Anyways I'll take pictures and post them when Halloween comes around.
Anywho I gotta go find something to do because I'm getting bored and stuff... it really sucks. But I'll update soon.

Positively crushing

Okay so lately things have been hectic and I figured I might wanna try bloging..
okay so I have no clue what's wrong with me. I can't eat or even bare to look at food, I don't really feel like I have emotions I feel... empty. The only time I don't is when I'm around my boyfriend Matt. I know I must sound crazy but honestly I'm telling you the truth, I don't feel anything and it sorta bothers me but I can't bring myself to care. I don't know.. I'm sure people around me notice that I kinda drift through the day kinda on auto-pilot. And when feeling does come back its nothing but sadness because I feel alone. But the good thing is sometimes I get happy every now and then. Like today wasn't so bad, but then again I've tried avoiding everything that bothers me. And by the way, yes I have plotted to kill myself but, good news I haven't so no worries I love my boyfriend too much to leave him.. And I probably never will. Sometimes I sit in my room and wonder about general what if's. Like what if I died? How would it effect the people around me? I wish I could find out only without the dying part. Or what if I was shot, stabbed, hit by a car and trampled by horses? And if I some how live through all of that (which I highly doubt) I bet it would be really painful. You know about a month or so ago, I was at the beach with my boyfriend, my aunt, uncle and a bunch of their friends, well one of their friend's kids went up to me and asked "Are you dead or something cause your really pale!" and all I could say was "What the hell!?" and she asked "Well are you like a vampire then?" and I was like "Yes! I'm a vampire which means I'm dead!" she got scared and walked away.. -_- god sometimes kids annoy me! I mean I know i'm pale but c'mon! By the way she still asks if I'm dead everytime I see her and each time I reply "Yes, an its not likely to change the next time you see me!" By the way if anyone wants to add me on myspace my email is snowdemon20@hotmail.com or just go to myspace.com/snowdemon20

Okay so I guess this is it for the first post :]
oh and if you like my writing and stuff tell your friends about me! <3