i cant think of a reason to get the fuck outta bed

ok so christmas is coming up and ill be spending it with mi fiance :) ah i love him so much :) tonight since his mom is leaving in the morning we're doing their xmas and on christmas we're going to mi house to open presents there :)

so he got a new job and honestly idk..... I like that we're gunna be able to see each other on the weekend like we used to but on mondays he has to go back to work... which speaking of mi love he should be heading home now :\ I guess this is the time where i pretend to be super duper happy for his sake at least :)

I know hes happy which makes me happy im just worried about how our schedules will play out.... idk this is all confusing and happening so fast... I guess we'll make right? we always do ^_^ plus maybe it'll take him to different places at different paces (lol that rhymed) and he'll get somewhere...

unlike me he has the ability to adapt and change for the better.. idk y he's with me because I honestly dont see me going anywhere.. idk what he sees in me :\ not that special other than the fact that im in school and I got a job... (which is pretty much a joke...) i mean making kids happy is great but the pay sucks... and I know im doing mi boss a big favor cuz really even she knows its a shitty job.. but whatever cant do anything until im out of school because that has to come first. I really wont get anywhere now a days without that little piece of paper that says I wasted the majority of mi childhood... ok it feels like im wasting it now

which yes I kno ur probably thinking once ur done you'll realize it wasnt a waste but right now it feels like its dragging on for forever when i could be done and getting a real job to help pay for things and save up.... :\ omg i hav a feeling life is about to get really hard.. hope im wrong...


--Suiside Doll

leave me alone; get out of mi face

I hate this shit only like 2 more days till christmas break.... oh joy.. I feel alone right now honestly and it sucks cause in reality I am :\ I mean I have Jacob but he isn't here at the moment I got a job but it isn't the best I got family but it feels like I can't tell them anything.... and I got school but its cold as shit right now and I hate some of the people there.....

Sometimes it feels like mi life is a waste of time >_> but I mean im engaged to the love of mi life and I can't wait til I move in with him then it wouldn't be as bad and to top it all off we had a massive fight the other night..... which Jacob decided to blurt out that were engaged to mi parents.... Wonderful thats just the way I wanted them to know... "yea hey, I know we're fighting an all but IM EFFING ENGAGED!!!!" I totally see how thats going to make everything better -_-

Now its all ruined when I told them I wanted to tell them under good circumstances not in the middle of a gad damn fight..... I can't believe he did that it really suck and when I say suck I dont make stupid kind of suck I mean it TOTALLY AND UTTERLY effing blows.... >_> what am I to do now? Well I was thinking about telling them he was lying...... just to see their reaction but I don't think he'd like that too much... everything is wrong

--Suicide Doll

Peppermint winter :)

Ok so Christmas is coming up fast :P and im in need of getting jacob a gift >:) hes going to love it! I kno he will hes been wanting it for a while now cant wait to give it too him although it might have to come late :\ oh well he'll still love it.. ok so I was starting to wonder if silent hill is a town that u can actually go visit..

Like I knew it WAS but is it ok now? lol and idk just a random question :) so me and Jacob will be together for 5 months on the 6th of this month :) time flies by so fast ^_^ oh yea and another thing ive realized is that old ppl piss me off... I'm not sure why its just seems since mi grandma has been living with us; she just pisses me off ok? its really confusing like srsly I think its mostly because when I get up in the morning I want mi space not someone sitting there up at 5:30 with no reason...

I just miss mi space when I didnt hav to watch her like a little kid to make sure she took her medicine... I shouldn't have to do that... plus everytime she gets up or sits down she groans... ok I hurt all the time and people gt pissed at me when I do it.. but its ok if she does? I know shes old but I carry a heavy ass book bag up and dow stairs all day. I can barely lift that shit up... ._. grr idk old ppl just piss me off >.> im not too sure if thats normal or not but w/e

-- Suicide Doll

Turkeu Day

ok so this whole week im off for turkey day! which means the majority or this week will be spent with mi wonderful fiance! :) cant wait till i get off work tomorrow so i cant leave with him yay! turkey day should be awesome yummy food mi fiance at mi side it'll be great :P plus its getting closer to christmas >:)

Which just reminded me i gotta save up for a christmas present for him :( crap.... oh well im determined to make it work. shouldnt be that hard i just gotta get him something with a dragon on it >:D he'd probably cry wif joy ^_^ lol that'd be funny

--suicide doll

carpe diem....

ok so i was bored so i decided to read mi bf's blog well it kinda sucks when u look at an older post saying he hasd the best sex ever with his ex... you kno i dont even kno y he posted that im the only person besides that whore that reads it... kinda makes me feels shitty.. should i really care that was with her? but the thing is he's only posted one thing about me while being with me..

I wonder if its cause we don't have time to blog anymore? either way we'rte engaged :) yay. but still this bothers me... I wonder if i should confront him or just forget about it... maybe a little assisants is needed... help me?


--Suicide Doll

what do you want from me? :)

ok so school is going great I have new friends and mi grade are going great! plus Monday is mi 17th birthday! :) I'm excited and I get to see mi bf tomorrow so thats a plus :P anyway I think I work Saturday :(

Oh well cause I get paid tomorrow and it just means more money for me :P oh and I'm still doing great with Jacob.. I love you Jacob!! >_< I miss him right now, I'm bored as hell and idk what to do.... so I checked out his ex's blog.. looks like shes still not over him which for some reason bothers and worries me at the same time idk y...

I shouldn't be worried he said hes over her but i am... i hate her with a passion, shes a cheating whore.. Idk I guess what bothers me the most is that he wasted his time and money on her... this is the part where I talk to someone about it right? wrong -_- i probably wont talk to anyone about it... *sigh* oh well

-- Suicide Doll

17 more days!

17 more days till mi 17th birthday!!! omg I can't believe im almost 17! :D just 1 more year after this and ill be able to do what I want... yer I know i'll pick up some responsibilities but still, and plus Ill get to spend all the time I want with Jacob and no one could say a damn thing!

I got school this morning though and I have to leave in literally 1 minute! :) but he's coming to pick me up from school so im happy about that I can't wait I miss him so much!!!!! any way ttyl :)


--Suicide Doll

I don't wanna go back....

Ok so at school ive had the same idiot bothering me again! only yesterday he brought friends.... him I could of handled, the shit load of blk ppl...? not so much. So I broke down and cried everything just overwhelmed me. I really don't want to go today but Mi mom is making me...

This kid is still pissed off about me not letting him sust let skip me and you know what I tired of this shit. Today might be different idk :o Atm tho I wanna stab him in the gut and just let his stomuch acids begin to eat away at everything. He deserves it, and you kno what not a single person even tried to stop him...

He just keeps pestering me and everyone looks around like its normal and not one single person is willing to stand up... Looks I'm the only one..
I got 7 minutes so I g2g write back later when something happens..

oh and I LOVE YOU JACOB <3


--Suicide Doll

you got a love like woe :)

omgosh so today at school some kid wanted to skip me in the lunch line. So I said no... and he's like well you'll still get ur food and I was like so will u.. and he said I was being racist cuz he was black... So he called me a cracker and I said go suck cock niggeh. And usually I'm not racist but he's an idiot he's sitting there calling me racist but he has the nerve to call me a cracker and its perfectly fine?

I'm not sorry that I called him that he is a fucking nigger! and not just because he's black because he's stupid. If he has the right to call me a cracker then I have the right to call him a nigger -_-

and if he wanted to get in line so bad he call of just gotten in the back of the line. I would of done the same thing if I wanted lunch and I wasn't in the line. Just because the color of someone's skin doesn't mean they get special treatment. Especially when he wouldnt of done the same thing for me..

So like everytime he walked by he called me a cracker after a while I just ignored the stupid nogg. I hate noggs ...... THEY PISS ME OFF and srry if this offends ppl but honestly IDC! He is a good example of y black ppl have such a bad image... >_> I mean hey I love blk ppl (not in that way) as long as u arent an ass idc what u look like.... but ppl like that set a bad image... >_>

you need everyone's eyes just to feel seen

LOL I just heard the funniest shit, so apparently whore had a child oh and im in school and so far its boring. ok except for lunch thats funny as hell. Oh and I have a new friend :) he seems nice and I totally pretended to be Allison and got our mom to pick us up from school. :P I didn't miss much, i got out of school in 6th period... I mean what can I say I hate buses... they make meh angry!

Its mostly the obnoxious people on the bus their retarded. And no offense but most of them are Mexican which need to go eat a bar of soap idk much Spanish but i do know when people are cursing up a storm.. but thats high school right? When it isn't boring, its just strange or entertaining but at least I don't have to worry about mi ex showing up to shoot meh :)

September 7th is the court date.. :o I'm a little afraid to see him after all the shit he put me through.. I don't know why it scares me so much. I used to be afraid of nothing, I cared about nothing and then Jacob had to come alone >:)

lol i guess I should be thanking him cause he turned mi life around and showed me what it was like to be loved by a person outside of the family someone
I could show mi true self to and know that he wont judge me :)

I love knowing that he truly cares for me and not about the stupid shit >:) i love him more than mi life and the world put together and times like a million :D i'd do anything for him and all he has to do is ask...

but anyway soooo I've gone all day wifout a smoke and it surks... a lot! i just gotta wait til Thursday... I can soooo totally make it....... nvm no i wont who am i trying to kid? I'm gunna snap and start yelling I can feel it now. this is so stressful. oh well I'll survive some how :o anyway so tomorrow I got school ima have to wake up at 5:30 which really isnt that bad but mi book bag is heavy so it really surks... but anyway ima go sooo ttyl

if I had you :)

ok so I got some much needed sense and got rid of Jonathan and I'm back in school oh AND :) me and Jacob are together again and this time I'm never leaving him! :) and idc what anyone has to say cuz at least im not a gold diggin skank :P and I pay for mi own shiz.

Ok so school kinda sucked today but I found out that I'm in 11th and I got lost like a bunch of times today!! >_< it surks but at least im not in 10th and theres a chance I graduate next yr.

which means once I graduate I can start looking for an actual job and eventually get a effin license and more money AND eventually a car :P and omg I miss Jacob but at least I might be able to spend the night Friday and Saturday cuz theres a b-day party at mi grandma's house :>

I love mi life and everything about it :) and no one can make mi life turn upside down maybe sideways but Jacob always fixes it :)

ILY JACOB <3

--Suicide Doll

ill pass on this life... but I so hate consequences

ok so everything has offically gone to shit... me and jonathan are still broken up but we act almost like we arent except for the fact that his attention seems divided and I cant hang out with him without him getting a call or txt.... it upsets me cuz he'll sit there and say ily when no else is around but the second we step out of mi house its completely different..

it upsets me and mi family isn't helping either... and i kno a lot of ppl want us over but i dont cuase it'll hurt to much! and theres no way around it, it almost feels hopeless. but I cant gie up on something I kno I want..

I just don't want to hurt anymore.. when I know he has to leave everything starts to hurt.... like I said theres no way around the hurt ill eventually hav to push through it. and right now im waiting on him to get the cigs and bring them back... :(

the second I watch him leave mi heart will hurt..... and I need to talk to someone but that someone has to leave soon..

and I hate that the someone i wanna talk to I can't cause he'll get mad and that he has to go to work soon... oh and i forgot to mention I told mi aunt yesterday what mi uncle did and I guess tomorrow she's coming to go shopping...

she seemed to take it well.. but i think thats cause he was in the same room as her.... idk i'll write back asap

--Suicide Doll

if you jump I will jump to we will fall together... cuz I would die for you on skyway avenue

Ok soooo I hate bitchy party moms! This lady was talkin shit to mi boss, when I was trying my hardest to please her >_> any other than that mi day has been pretty good. Atm I'm looking through old myspace profile songs I got like 53 old song O_O

Anyways Mi facebook account was disabled again! and idk what its for cause I havent been on in a few days... -_- I'm tired of this happening... this is like the second time... and last time they sent e an email basically saying "sorry we F***'d up.."

At least that time they said sorry! I sent them a message telling them that I haven't been on in a few days so I'm kinda confused as to why I'm disabled >:(

anyway im listening to a sad song :( its called I'll walk by bucky covington.. I think.

soo lately I've been thinking of the past, somethings bother me not naming anything..
but its things I don't want to remember.. >:'( don't you hate that feeling when you what things to be a certain way or things kinda feel like they were back then. O_o lately ive had things remind me of the past and its kinda creepy lol.. like ive been here before but tecnically it was "here" it was "there" .... >_>

--Suicide Doll

you make breaking hearts look so easy

Ok so once again I work today on tuesday I had a bitch for a party mom.... She was horrible and broke mi perfect record of 10/10! and I did everything but she treated me like dirt! I hope today's party is better >_> I wanted to strangle her so damn badly but I was polite. I did everything but still got treated like dirt I was pissed....

But anyway I'm sure today will be better but I'm nervous :\ idk y maybe its cause I'm scared i'll fail...

--Suicide Doll

you bite mi neck like a bad habit :)

ok so I got to work tomorrow at 2:45pm And sunday I went to the beach :). Oh and tomorrow I get so green so tomorrow night should be fun. I still got the kittens and they are proving to be quite a handful but Jasper loves them and the most the do is meow alot. Plus Jasper licks them like hes their father ok well acctually like their mother would do but its really cute to watch. He went from hating them to loving them and playing with them all the time.

Lol cow just gave me this weird look :) she looked stoned. Shes so cute ^_^ so are the other kittens but I need to rename cuddles cause honestly cuddles doesnt sound like a boy name. And mi cousins Caylee and Christian want him to be named Squiggles
-_- Its a cute name...for a girl.

Oh yea and in other new paul gray from slipknot passed away :( its kinda depressing cause I love slipknot plus his wife is pregant with a little girl. :\ idk what he died from there apparently were and signs of truama or foul play... so idk I heard about the like 4 days ago I think...

ok well ima finish this cigerette and go do something productive till morning when I get ma shit :)

she's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego

Ok so sunday I was hosting this party right? Well the mom was a Bitch >_> she yelled at her duaghter because she blew the candles out before she got a picture! She was all like "why do you always gotta screw up!?!" I didn't say anything but c'mon! Her duaghter is like 12!! You just don't say that to a 12yr old for something as stupid as that.. Oh and she was screaming at her husband the whole time for stupid stuff like changing the cheese pizza to a pepperoni when only two people wanted cheese....

The whole time I was like geez... I felt bad for the guy cause he wasn't bad looking he could of gotten a better wife. But the birthday girl was sweet :) she was really nice. But it wasn't like the mom was being a bitch to me cause she was really nice to me just not her husband and her daughter. It kinda sucks thoguh cause I didn't get an extra tip, But I got a 10/10 rating :) I haven't gotten anything lower then 10 yet ^_^

I guess I'm just really good at my job. Plus the people I work with are pretty cool for the most part. Plus I work with my boyfriend and my aunt. Oh and I get to bowl for free as long as they aren't busy and as long as they have open lanes.

Next saturday I'm going to a memorial so no work that day but there aren't any parties that day anyway buy I do work next sunday. :P

I will slap you until you turn smart!!

So I recently got 3 little kittens cause mi cousins decided to bring them home and the lady didn't want them sooo I'm gunna rise them till their older and find good homes. I got 2 girls and a boy :) anyways on to somethings else :S My boyfriend just recently moved in... I know your wondering how Mi mom could let him do that and the answer is his parents are major retarded dick heads!

Ok so about a week ago me and him were filling out a job application to my work so he can work there too and get some money. He called his mom and asked for like 30 extra minutes so we could finish it up. And she starts yelling at him telling him that he doesnt need to scream at her... Which btw I was sitting next to him when he called and he wasnt yelling! So later that night I get a text saying that he left cause they were starting a fight over nothing. I sat with him for a while then he got a call from an officer.

The officer said his mom called in and said he ran away which wasnt true he just left, for a walk while they calmed down. So the officer said he could be charged with a felony, which isnt true cause in the state of Florida running away isnt illegal. So he went home, and about a day later he decided that night he was going to apologize cause while the cop was at his house he told his dad to stfu. So his dad accepts it then starts sceaming...

Which is stupid cause he was trying to say sorry for telling his dad to stfu. So he leaves and calls me. I let him stay over then the next dad I guess his mom packed his shit and told him to get out. So I told my mom and shes letting him stay here now. But I mean come on they started all this shit!!

And it gets worse everytime I go to pick the kids up shes there making him look like the bad guy when she started all this shit. But anyways back to the kitties, I got one thats white and black and her name is Cow cause she looks like a cow.. Not cause shes fat, cause she isn't I think she might be the runt but shes really loveable and likes to sit on my chest. Which is where shes at now. The theres Tuxido shes mostly black with a white chest and white on her paws hence the name tuxido. :) then theres the boy which his name is Mr.cuddles cause that was the first thing he did when I put him on mi lap. He's got dark brown stripes and he's also has lighter brown on him and white ^_^ all three are really cute. I'm thinking about changing Mr.cuddles name though cause I keep thinking about that damn teddy bear of the commerical.

"everyone love to snuggle..." fuck that shit! He's creepy idk know why I keep thinking about him when I hear Mr.cuddles but I do... anyways its 4:32am and I'm tired time to go to bed with my love and hopefully get a good nights sleep, thats if he doesn't keep me up..again >:D

the only person you can count on in the end is yourself...

Ok so Allison had a good birthday, I saw my ex Matt. No, I didn't stop to talk. Instead I screamed out that he was and "asshole" and then yelled a big "FUCK YOU!" and kept walking. That was on easter though and amazingly I wore a dress. :) Plus me an Jonathan have been doin great! No fights or anything :P oh yea I'm going on vacation on Monday Me, My mom, My dad, Allison, Jessica, My dad's friend Charles, his son and possibly Samantha if her mom lets her go.

I'm gunna go fishing and relax. Thank god the camping grounds have a full shower and bathroom. I think this will be awesome :3 at least I hope so :o I haven't been camping since I was little so its gunna be awesome!

anyway I gtg I'll probably write again after the camping trip or if something comes up.

--Suicide Doll

Empty bottles and empty souls

So my sister's birthday is coming up on sunday. I have to deal with a bunch of shit but the great news is that me and Jonathan are going out again and that I loveee him ^_^ he's so awesome. My job at the bowling alley is pretty awesome too. I'm thinking about getting more ICP stuff for my room and maybe either glow in the dark pot leaves or glow in the dark stars.

Lately I've been fasinated by glowing stuff! anyway I can't wait till the party on sunday :) cuz then I can consider mi new years resolution at an end!! whoo hoo!!

In the end theres nothing only you to consoul your self in death's eternal embrase...

ok so I was bored and decided to blog :] and I read a comment someone's certain little gf posted and you know what I don't believe in karma, god or anything else that rediculous. But instead of being my usual self and making things worst by getting pissed, I'm just gunna let it go. Because I had my reasons and my life is none of your business. Oh and Jacob I'd really prefer if you didn't let her read my blog.

I only let you read it because I thought I could at least trust you with that much. But whatever I guess you don't know how to keep you mouth shut. either way that shit wasn't the reason for my blog. I'm blogging because I recently got a job. :] yay I'm a party hostess at a bowling alley by my house. It's pretty cool ^_^

Right now i'm in training but after the next party I think I'll be running a party of my own. I'm nervous but I'm willing to try, I mean I've never done it before so whose to say that I won't like it. Plus I already have a friend there, she knows certain people who I don't like. And she's pretty awesome but I'm not naming any names.

Cuase god knows if I do then a certain somebody might say something to someone else and she'll know where to find me. And if that certain somebody figured out who I don't want knowing then I'll be pissed if she shows up. Not only because I'll be made fun of and picked on but because I don't think I'll be able to hold my composure and I might blow up! lol >:) Plus I'd probably lose my job!

And I really don't like that idea seeing as I'm making new friends. Anywho back to what I wanted to say; I was bored and on myspace so I decided to see what my ex Matt was up to. (no I'm not talking to him) but last time I did talk to him he said something about killing himself and I wanted to see if he was ok. Seems like me that he's still up to whoring around with chicks. But I did find something interesting that cuaght my eye.

It also made me feel shitty, it was a poem or whatever you call it that he posted as a blog.
(this is it)
The way the drugs make me feel it is like flying the way my life makes me it is as if I am dying things that once were are no more and things that could have been will never happen you made me feel alive but now all i want to do is die you kept the breath in me no you cut my lungs and I breath no more in the rest of my time i hope to never see your face again becuase if I do I will definetly choke on my heart as the broken shard slowly kill me from the inside to hear you voice would be like hot pokers in my ears and to just hear of you would make me want to leave this world forever I thought you loved me or could one day love me but i was wrong and for that I will always be gone I have said it before and I will say it again it will be as if i never existed

See the i"it will be as if I never existed is 1 yes from twilight and 2 something said to me before we got off the phone the night we stopped talking. :(
I was so pissed off that night, he and his friends acted as if I was a slab of meat they could fuck. (no I haven't done anything with them!) nor do I ever want to. And by some chance if he commits suicide no I wouldn't feel bad. Call me heartless I call not giving a damn cause he cheated like 4 or 5 times and had the nerve to touch me(
not in that way...) anywho then only thing I feel bad about is that from the poems I read it seems like that fight effected him a lot.. and that he might be suffering. At the time I cared sooo much and to be hurt like that well, the scars are still there but I try not to think about it. But as I'm writing I'm begining to luagh at his misery because I just realized he deserved it. 1 reason and 1 reason only and it's because while I lived in riverview I could barely sleep because I was terrified every night and Jacob you know why and please don't tell ANYONE. I don't care who or how much you care!! You know that was horrible and I don't want many people knowing... anyway he did nothing but watch me suffer and watch scars appear which by the way I still have thank god most people can't read the "kill me" and "worthless" that were once cut into my arm. So you know what never mind me feeling a little bad I feel nothing except those scars left by an asshole who didn't give a fuck wether I was happy or dead.

--Suicide Doll

I hate everything about myself...

I no longer have a boyfriend. I fucked up... I can't keep my temper in check and I yelled at him, again. I can't help it.. its hard when you get irritated all the time. I love him to no end but he can't handle this and I dont blame him.

This time I got irritated because of a youtube video I posted I didn't want him to see it... so I tried stopping him. But that made matters worst he walked out. And when he came back he decided to grab his shit and go. We got into another argument and he said it was over...

I hate my life I hate everything about myself and honestly I don't see what people see in me. I push everyone away until its too late and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm on the verge of a emotional break down and a cutting relapse.. I want to do it so badly! you don't have any clue at all. I lost most all my friends and have basically no one to talk to. The one person I do want to talk to would probably say I deserve it if he even pick up the phone at all....

I know its my fault but at the time I wasn't thinking like usual. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone forever, to live alone, to die alone, to just be... alone. Maybe I just don't need anyone around me right now, I hurt way to many people I can't forgive myself for it. Out of all the friends I have left I'm the only one without someone...

I can't take it no more this "life" thing is too hard I wanna end it all I just haven't figured out the best way yet.. Everything is always my fault I just get in the way of everyone else's life.. all of this is jsut to much. And this time, I honestly can say I have no one trying to stop me. No one knows except the four people who read my blog. and I'm sorry but you can't say you care because in the end theres no one.

No one to be there for you, no one to hold you when your upset, no one to keep you happy even if depression is nipping at your toes. In the end your alone with your own demons to keep you company which isn't much company at all. I want to change I just don't know how and if I can't change then I might as well end it all because only sorrow and dispare await me here. I can't run no more there is no where to hide, no where to go, no where to turn.

I honestly believe you will either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villan. Well I'm at the point where I no longer see myself as a hero.. I don't know whats wrong with me, I must be defective or something. I fear being alone but I can't bare being with someone because I know first hand how it will end. Horrible and fucked up, I'll be alone in the dark either way I look at it.

Hopefully I make it out of this but if not.. just know I'm sorry for everyone I let down, I didn't mean to..... I hope this isn't the last time I write....

--Suicide Doll

depressed...again....

I've been avoiding the fact that job corp could call at anytime... I too comfortable with the fact that I really care about Jonathan.. well it looks like they called.. now all he's doing is waiting for a room to open for him. After that its off to the marines.. what if I never see him again? or what if he forgets about me? ... idk why I'm crying right now but I am.

I going to miss him so much and when he leaves I'll be left with nothing but memories that will huant me until I can't take it no more. I don't want him to go but I'm a nobody. He doesn't need me and its his future... He needs this oportunity, I just wish I could see him more....

I knew this day would come and I didn't want to get too close cuz I knew in the end it would hurt, but I couldn't help myself. He has a wonderful personalilty and he looks out for me...

I'm just going to REALLY REALLY miss him, and as I type I'm talking on the phone with him. I'm trying so hard not to cry and when I'm around him its even harder. I just don't know what I'm going to do when he leaves... I'm going to be depressed, but thats a given I guess.

Other than that I guess I'll probably sit in my room cry, and not eat.. Idk... I just don't wanna bother him with all this cuz he'll just say there are more guys out there... yea that may be true but there aren't any guys out there just like him... he's a one of a kind.

Why does it seem like everytime I find a guy I really wanna be with they either cheat or in this case have to leave... no matter what way I turn it always seems like the wrong direction. I thought I knew happy in the past but I was wrong because unlike the other times when I thought I was close to happiness this time I didn't need to search for it... it was there, and I was finally where I wanted to be.

Next to him, even with all his corny jokes and even if we weren't doing anything special its where I wanted to be... I just don't see me with anyone for a very very very long time after he leaves.. I'm fed up with getting hurt whether its intetional or not, I'm tired of it all....



"I often miss this little girl... whose dreams had no barriers... who belived in a world where anything is possible with a heart that was full and unbroken..."


--Suicide Doll

Le suicide l'est l'espoir de ceux qui n'en n'ont plus

The Owl City concert was awesome! and last night I went out with my oyfriend and my family to the night parade in ybor! >_< it was awesome me and Jonathan are doing well and I'm happy. He's amazing, still no call from job corp. with dun say anything but I'm happy about it... I got an Owl City t-shirt btw its pretty sick!

Allison had a good time also, she got a new phone oh and mine is coming in on monday or tuesday. I can't wait ^_^ it'll be one of those phones that slides up to reveal the keys oh and its a camra phone which has bluetooth capablility its amazing >_< anyways I gotta get up at 6:30 in the morning so ima smoke mi last cig for the night and head off to sleepy land.

Where I get to wear remote controlled skates while chasing ostriges the run and lay ostrige eggs and chicken eggs at the same time. O_O oh and guys dicks are like "omfg whats that!?!" scarey big... yea that was all in mi dream last night and it was WEIRD! O_o oh and I guess lying gets you more points on ur SAT's >_> jking but in mi world I guess it happens...

"Suicide is the hope of those who no longer have it.." -unknown


--Suicide Doll

It's almost time...

-sigh- 3 days till the Owl City concert I can't wait! >_< me, my bf and Allison are going to it together. I'm soooo excited >:P I'm also happy because the fact that I still have a secret I'm keeping from Jacob which makes it all the better! lol its great when you have no Conscience. :D oh well, sooo today I get to see Ryan, and Samantha and I won't be alone anymore because my boyfriend has been keeping me company for like 3 days now while the rest of my family is spending the night at a friends house. God my life is boring right now but I'm content with it. I got an awesome boyfriend, better than the last and my life is where its suppose to be :] wel I guess I'll write more another time...

--Suicide Doll

All I ever wanted was for you to disappear and me to forget

Ok so I just recently got a new boyfriend, he's amazing I love being around him. :] His name is Jonathan :P he asked me out on the 15th ^_^ and of corse I said yes. We spend all our time together just hanging out, and he doesn't know it but he made me realize why it didn't work out with all the other losers.

So anyways lately I've been thinking why do I even have my ex's on mi shit, like myspace and facebook. It all does me no good I mean it isn't like they wanna talk to me, and besides I really don't care to talk to them.

I don't know I'm still undecided, but one things for sure I'm happy with the way things are, and I wouldn't change anything... oh and the funny thing is, I know something Jacob doesn't lol but it's not like I have any plans on telling him. >:D

--Suicide Doll

That's right it isn't about you its about spoons

Ive found rules to Satanism, no I'm not a Satanist but all you jesus freaks should know it isn't about Satan it's about worshiping yourself.... so heres the rules



1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.

2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.

3. When in another’s lair, show him respect or else do not go there.

4. If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.

5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.

6. Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.

7. Acknowledge the power of magic if you have employed it successfully to obtain your desires. If you deny the power of magic after having called upon it with success, you will lose all you have obtained.

8. Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.

9. Do not harm little children.

10. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.

11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.



-- Suicide Doll

another blog another day ^_^

ok sooo I'm gunna start blogging on Blogtv.com I'll still blog on this one too. And Jacob that doesn't mean come watch meh >_< lol but anyways Ill try doing a show every Monday starting at 9pm ^_^

She's ripping wings off of butterflies...

Ok sooo today I'm spending the day with Jonathan :] oh and it's Jacob's 19th birthday today. sooo Happy birthday!! Other than that I'm doing nothing, I might read one of my books that came in the other day. I got Kiss of Life and The Lovely Bones. I've heard their good and I read the book before Kiss of life and loved it.

I think my mom is thinking about letting me get my learner's permit :) so yea thats a good thing, cause I'd finally be able to pick the kids up in a car instead of walking. anywho I just wanted to give an update ^_^