I hate everything about myself...

I no longer have a boyfriend. I fucked up... I can't keep my temper in check and I yelled at him, again. I can't help it.. its hard when you get irritated all the time. I love him to no end but he can't handle this and I dont blame him.

This time I got irritated because of a youtube video I posted I didn't want him to see it... so I tried stopping him. But that made matters worst he walked out. And when he came back he decided to grab his shit and go. We got into another argument and he said it was over...

I hate my life I hate everything about myself and honestly I don't see what people see in me. I push everyone away until its too late and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm on the verge of a emotional break down and a cutting relapse.. I want to do it so badly! you don't have any clue at all. I lost most all my friends and have basically no one to talk to. The one person I do want to talk to would probably say I deserve it if he even pick up the phone at all....

I know its my fault but at the time I wasn't thinking like usual. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone forever, to live alone, to die alone, to just be... alone. Maybe I just don't need anyone around me right now, I hurt way to many people I can't forgive myself for it. Out of all the friends I have left I'm the only one without someone...

I can't take it no more this "life" thing is too hard I wanna end it all I just haven't figured out the best way yet.. Everything is always my fault I just get in the way of everyone else's life.. all of this is jsut to much. And this time, I honestly can say I have no one trying to stop me. No one knows except the four people who read my blog. and I'm sorry but you can't say you care because in the end theres no one.

No one to be there for you, no one to hold you when your upset, no one to keep you happy even if depression is nipping at your toes. In the end your alone with your own demons to keep you company which isn't much company at all. I want to change I just don't know how and if I can't change then I might as well end it all because only sorrow and dispare await me here. I can't run no more there is no where to hide, no where to go, no where to turn.

I honestly believe you will either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villan. Well I'm at the point where I no longer see myself as a hero.. I don't know whats wrong with me, I must be defective or something. I fear being alone but I can't bare being with someone because I know first hand how it will end. Horrible and fucked up, I'll be alone in the dark either way I look at it.

Hopefully I make it out of this but if not.. just know I'm sorry for everyone I let down, I didn't mean to..... I hope this isn't the last time I write....

--Suicide Doll